*** Now chatting in #TradeDeadlineMisfires ***
FireVest47: OKAY BUT LIKE
YOU SAID “GO AFTER SUAREZ”
I WENT AFTER SUAREZ
WITH AUTHORITY
AND A 96 MPH STATEMENT OF INTENT
SkipHinch: WILL.
I MEANT “INQUIRE ABOUT TRADING FOR HIM.”
NOT “DESTROY HIS BONES WITH A HEATER.”
FireVest47: o
well that’s on you for not being SPECIFIC
you said “let’s make a move on Suarez”
I MADE A MOVE. IT WAS DECISIVE. IT HAD VELOCITY.
*** PawsForConcern has entered the chat ***
/Paws slowly removes Tigers cap and puts it over heart
/Paws glances solemnly at replay monitor
/Paws holds up foam finger and snaps it in half
/Paws shakes head in slow, furry disappointment
SkipHinch: Paws speaks for all of us
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: Eugenio Suárez hit on the hand by Tigers RHP Will Vest
Tigers were reportedly eyeing Suárez as a potential trade deadline addition
Club now scrambling for Plan B while Suárez applies ice and questions everything
FireVest47: listen
I’m a bullpen guy
I don’t “read between the lines”
I fire between the ribs
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: WILL
I UNDERSTAND MISCOMMUNICATION
BUT I THINK YOU JUST THREW AWAY A POTENTIAL THIRD BASEMAN
AND POSSIBLY A FRIENDSHIP
FireVest47: he should’ve ducked
or known I was coming for him out of respect
SkipHinch: NO
YOU DON’T PLUNK A GUY OUT OF RESPECT
YOU CALL HIS AGENT
/Paws mimes dialing a rotary phone
/Paws shrugs and then flails helplessly
FireVest47: i stand by my actions
but also
can we still trade for him or
SkipHinch: NO
NO WE CAN’T
HE’S GOT AN ICE WRAP AND A RESTING SCOWL
HE’S TEXTING OTHER TEAMS “THE TIGERS ARE A HOSTILE WORKPLACE”
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i don’t see the problem
hitting a guy you want on ur team is a power move
they know you’re serious
it’s like sending a love note via chairthrow
/Paws begins stacking ice packs on a cardboard cutout of Suárez
/Paws gently weeps into Gatorade towel
WORDUPTHOME: I SUGGEST WE SEND SUAREZ A FRUIT BASKET
AND A LETTER THAT SAYS
“SORRY OUR CLOSER THOUGHT YOU WERE A TARGET IN THE JOHN WICK SENSE”
FireVest47: so
do I get a save for that
SkipHinch: NO
YOU GET A REST DAY
AND A MANDATORY ZOOM WITH PR
*** FireVest47 has left to ice down his sense of purpose ***
*** PawsForConcern has left to mime “awkward trade negotiations” under fluorescent lighting ***
*** SkipHinch has left to text “how fast do hand bones heal” to the training staff ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to bake an “I’m Sorry I Misread the Deadline Strategy” pie ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to endorse throwing at potential coworkers ***