*** Now chatting in #TradeDeadlineHopeToNope ***
DingleAllTheWay: okay
this morning we were in first place
the group chat was full of Soto memes and bat-flip gifs
then the alert hit
Tigers_Transactions: Tigers acquire RHP Charlie Morton from Atlanta for cash considerations
DingleAllTheWay: bro is 41
he showed up and asked if we had a Blockbuster nearby
he referred to his changeup as “The Eisenhower”
*** PawsForConcern has entered the chat ***
/Paws unrolls a hopeful "TRADE FOR BAT" sign
/sees Morton walk in with Metamucil
/crumples sign into papier-mâché despair
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: Tigers also acquire Paul Sewald from Arizona
Sewald is currently injured and expected to return in “maybe September if the moon aligns with Venus”
FireVest47: I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET A SETUP MAN
INSTEAD I GOT A GUY WHO ARRIVED IN BUBBLE WRAP
HE SAID “DON’T HIGH FIVE ME I HAVE 11 STITCHES IN MY SOUL”
SkipHinch: you guys
we are still trying
technically, these are “veteran depth” moves
DingleAllTheWay: depth?
i can’t see the bottom anymore
the “depth” is just a pile of 5.42 ERAs with elbow tightness
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: I’M SURE CHARLIE HAS PLENTY LEFT IN THE TANK
AND SEWALD WILL HEAL
LIKE A PHOENIX
OR A SLIGHTLY WARMED MICROWAVE BURRITO
STILL GOOD INSIDE IF YOU BELIEVE
*** JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay has entered the chat ***
JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay: Welcome back to Trade Deadline Theater, sponsored by expired optimism and the concept of “wait what”
JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay: The Tigers, leading the division, had options:
– Acquire power bat
– Get dominant bullpen arm
– Or, as it turns out, assemble a support group for Tommy John veterans and midlife crises
JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay: Somewhere, a whiteboard reads “TRADE TARGETS”
And beneath it, just the word “AVAILABLE”
FireVest47: jason
they just gave me a shirt that says “Bullpen Dad”
i’m 28
JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay: You’re now the youngster in a bullpen where the average warm-up time includes two ankle rotations and a reminder of where they parked
/Paws quietly builds a Lego “Juan Soto” figure and stares at it
/offers it to the GM
/is ignored
DingleAllTheWay: are we still in first place?
SkipHinch: yes
technically
emotionally, I’m not sure
WORDUPTHOME: WINNING ISN’T ALWAYS ABOUT NAMES
SOMETIMES IT’S ABOUT HEART
AND ALSO ICE WRAPS
BUT MOSTLY HEART
JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay: And as the sun sets over Comerica Park, the Tigers hold their lead with the tenacity of a squirrel clinging to a power line in a windstorm
Their reward: two new arms, one old enough to remember VHS, the other currently held together by hope and gauze
*** Tigers_Transactions has entered the chat ***
Tigers_Transactions: Tigers acquire RHP Phil from somewhere we’re not totally sure of yet. May be a fan who threw 82 at the pregame radar booth.
FireVest47: I’M DONE
I’M PITCHING TO MYSELF
*** FireVest47 has left to throw into a mirror and scream “TRADE ME TO A BAT” ***
*** PawsForConcern has left to play "Taps" on a vuvuzela ***
*** JasonBenetti_PlayByPlay has left to narrate a commercial for aspirin and lowered expectations ***
*** DingleAllTheWay has left to look up “fun wildcard collapse stats” ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to bake “TRADE VALUE COOKIES” and hand them to every scout in the Midwest ***