*** Now chatting in #TwinsGoneWild ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Phillies acquire RHP Jhoan Duran from the Twins
Return: C Eduardo Tait, RHP Mick Abel, and strobe-light fog technology to be named later
*** RottenTrevor has entered the chat ***
RottenTrevor: …well that’s it
the anchor’s gone
the vibes are unmoored
you don’t trade DURAN unless you’re trying to summon chaos and/or actual fog
CarlosTheCorrea: he packed one suitcase
and a flamethrower
said “tell Trevor I’ll miss the intro music more than him”
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Phillies acquire LF Harrison Bader from the Twins
Return: RHP Geremy Villoria and OF Hendry Mendez
RottenTrevor: OKAY COOL
just unload all the speed and defense while we’re at it
why not give away the turf too?? maybe the stadium lights? throw in a t-shirt cannon??
BaderThanU: i asked for my cleats
they said they were already traded to the Brewers for a middle reliever
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Astros acquire SS Carlos Correa and cash from the Twins
Return: LHP Matt Mikulski
RottenTrevor: YOU DIDN’T
YOU DID
you traded THE FACE OF THE TWINS
the leader of our dugout
the ALDS whisperer
the GUY GUY of the organization
THE FATHER FIGURE OF DEFENSIVE POSITIONING
CarlosTheCorrea: ngl i’m already at Minute Maid Park
Altuve brought me juicebox
Miss this stuff
Where'd the trash cans go?
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Rays acquire RHP Griffin Jax from the Twins
Return: RHP Taj Bradley
GriffinGasCan: i’m honored
to be traded for a man whose name sounds like a tax attorney
RottenTrevor: I’M NOT EVEN MAD
I’M JUST FLOATING
I’VE TRANSCENDED ANGER AND ENTERED A STATE OF TRADE-INDUCED HALLUCINATION
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Cubs acquire LF Willi Castro from the Twins
Return: RHP Sam Armstrong and RHP Ryan Gallagher
Willie2Chill: i left my glove
it’s now listed as “organizational depth”
RottenTrevor: YOU TRADED THE MAN WHO COULD PLAY EVERY POSITION EXCEPT HEAD GROUNDSKEEPER
and i’m not convinced he didn’t do that once in a pinch
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Dodgers acquire RHP Brock Stewart from the Twins
Return: CF James Outman
RottenTrevor: who’s left?
is the broadcast team still here?
or did we ship them to Miami for an A-ball knuckleballer?
BrockSteady: they texted me “bring your cleats, also Outman says sup”
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Blue Jays acquire RHP Louis Varland and 1B Ty France from the Twins
Return: LF Alan Roden and LHP Kendry Rojas
LouieLooksBack: i was traded twice in two hours
once emotionally
once officially
TyInTheSky: i’m learning French Canadian curse words already
one of them just means “infield corner regret”
RottenTrevor: YOU TRADED A WHOLE TUESDAY AFTERNOON
WE COULD FIELD A KICKBALL TEAM WITH THE GUYS WE GAVE UP
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING — Red Sox acquire RHP Joe Ryan from Twins
Return: prospects TBA
RottenTrevor: NO.
NOT HIM.
NOT MUSTACHE MECHANICS INCARNATE
NOT THE CURVED-LINEAR BRILLIANCE OF A ROTATION ICON
I LIT A CANDLE
I BUILT A SHRINE
I NAMED MY SOURDOUGH STARTER AFTER HIS STRIKE ZONE MAP
TyInTheSky: you tweeted “farewell to my eternal #2” and changed your header to a slow-motion montage
CarlosTheCorrea: bro you quoted Faulkner and called his slider “an elegy in motion”
MLB_NewsBot: UPDATE — Joe Ryan has not been traded
Sources: deal with Red Sox fell through due to luxury tax limitations
Joe Ryan remains with the Twins
Trevor Plouffe reportedly hyperventilating into a helmet with tears inside
RottenTrevor: …HE’S STILL HERE?
HE’S ACTUALLY STILL A TWIN??
i just published a 2,000-word goodbye on Substack titled “The Man With the Four-Seam Soul”
GriffinGasCan: you said “Joe Ryan taught me to believe again and now I must un-believe him gently”
Willie2Chill: he’s literally on the mound
he just waved to the bullpen like “hey, what’s up, am I traded?”
MLB_NewsBot: Final Deadline Recap:
- Twins trade 9 players including Duran, Correa, Bader, Jax, Castro, Stewart, Varland, France, Coulombe
- Joe Ryan stays
- Trevor Plouffe loses grip on reality
- Target Field to be renamed “Player Development Zone: Now With Less Player”
*** RottenTrevor has left to write interpretive poetry about rotational loss ***
*** GriffinGasCan has left to pack fog into carry-on ***
*** Willie2Chill has left to build a utility belt of every glove he’s ever used ***
*** CarlosTheCorrea has left to lead a team hug in Houston ***
*** TyInTheSky has left to write a French-Canadian diss track ***
*** LouieLooksBack has left to stare out a window to nowhere ***
*** BaderThanU has left to outrun closure ***
*** BrockSteady has left to airlift emotional baggage to LA ***