Just when you think the Yankees have hit rock bottom, they dig a little deeper—this time with a shovel labeled Texas. Fresh off a humiliating sweep at the hands of the Marlins, the Bronx Bombers rolled into Arlington and promptly dropped two straight to the Rangers. But the real gut punch came not from the scoreboard, but from the broadcast booth. In the ninth inning, with the Yankees clinging to a slim lead, their own announcers took a few cheap shots at Joc Pederson—cracking wise about his recent struggles at the (ahem) plate. Seconds later, Joc silenced the booth with a game-tying moonshot that might still be orbiting JerryWorld. Call it karma, call it timing, or just call it Yankees baseball in 2025—where even the commentary can’t stop tripping over itself.
*** Now chatting in #BronxBlues ***
Joez_Rants24: PANIC LEVEL?
I’VE REPLACED MY COFFEE WITH ESPRESSO SHOTS
I’M LISTENING TO SAD JAZZ IN A DARK ROOM
WE’VE LOST 5 STRAIGHT
4 WITHOUT JUDGE AND 1 WITH HIM BACK!
WE ARE A HOUSEPLANT WITHOUT SUNSHINE
JudgeMental99: yo
it’s all good
baseball is a wave, bro
just gotta ride it
like a sea turtle on a longboard
Joez_Rants24: NO.
WE ARE NOT A SEA TURTLE.
WE ARE A PLASTIC BAG DRIFTING THROUGH THE OCEAN
AND A MARLIN JUST ATE US ALIVE
*** BooneDoggled has entered the chat ***
BooneDoggled: okay hear me out
what if we…
batted the bullpen cleanup
just for a change of pace
also
do we have to wear pinstripes every day?
maybe that’s weighing us down
Joez_Rants24: I AM LOSING VISION IN MY LEFT EYE
BECAUSE YOU JUST SAID "BULLPEN CLEANUP"
JudgeMental99: breathe, my guy
losses are just future wins in disguise
like when you misplace your keys
but then find your purpose
BooneDoggled: i also think we should bunt more
like… a lot more
maybe… 1 through 9?
full bunt lineup
think about it: unscoutable.
Joez_Rants24: I’M ABOUT TO MAKE A SPREADSHEET
TITLED “REASONS I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE”
AND IT’S JUST ONE CELL
WITH YOUR FACE IN IT
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: WHEN I WAS IN A SLUMP
WE DIDN’T PANIC
WE JUST CHEWED MORE GUM
AND TALKED TO OUR BATS
AND SOMETIMES THE BATS TALKED BACK
AND THAT’S OKAY
JudgeMental99: wise words, uppercase legend
i once meditated with my bat for three innings
hit a homer after
not a coincidence
BooneDoggled: okay new plan
we all grow well manicured mustaches
and only speak in riddles for the next series
BooneDoggled: also
i read once that Turk Wendell brushed his teeth between innings and wore a shark tooth necklace
we’re doing that now
i already ordered 30 on Etsy
they glow in the dark
*** BigJocEnergy has waddled into the chat ***
/BigJocEnergy steps in wearing flip-flops and a hoodie with mustard stains
/immediately hits a 447-foot bomb
/strolls the bases like he's inspecting real estate
Joez_Rants24: THIS IS CCCCRRRAAAAZZZZZYYYYY
I’M READY TO WALK INTO THE OCEAN
AND ASK THE WAVES TO HIT CLEANUP
JudgeMental99: i believe in you all
especially the guy crying into a foam finger
your tears… nourish the baseball gods
*** BigJocEnergy has left to look for a postgame buffet that opens early ***
*** JudgeMental99 has left to netflix and chill ***
*** BooneDoggled has left to order team-wide Phiten necklaces ***
*** Joez_Rants24 has left to scream at his phone and post a YouTube Short ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to whisper advice at the Yankee bats ***
