Last night’s fireworks in Major League Baseball had little to do with the scoreboards and everything to do with tempers. Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland blew up at Rafael Devers for admiring a home run, sparking a benches-clearing fracas, while Astros lefty Framber Valdez crossed up his own catcher in frustration—drilling him square in the chest after a grand slam. In today's episode, Commissioner Rob Manfred rolls out a “Group Therapy” program to smooth things over. But instead of a calming influence, he taps Kyle Farnsworth—one of baseball’s most notorious hotheads—to mediate.

*** Now chatting in #MLBAngerManagement ***

rob_manfred.exe: hello athletes 🙂

we had some “heated emotional incidents” last night

so we’re trying a new pilot program

MLB Group Therapy™

attendance mandatory

mediation will be handled by … Kyle Farnsworth.

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hey evry1

no stranger to rage here

u may remember me from such greatest hits as:

“2003 benches-clearing clothesline”

“tackling a dude half my size in AAA”

and “body-slamming a water cooler for looking @ me funny”

DeversCrush16: i just looked at my home run

didn’t even flip the bat

Rockies dude screamed like I stole his lunch money

RockyRoadPitch: YOU STARING ME DOWN

YOU STARE = YOU CARE

DON’T CARE ABOUT ME

DeversCrush16: bro i was watching the baseball

that’s how home runs work

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ok heres wut u do

next time a guy stares, u stare harder

4 hours straight. no blink. no breath. no fear.

he’ll quit b4 u do

FramberFlamethrow: no bro

u dont understand

my catcher tried to calm me down

i blamed him for grand slam

so i cross up… and boom

nail him square in the chest

make sure he knows how I feel

CatcherWithBruises: i can’t breathe

rob_manfred.exe: this is precisely the problem.

the commissioner’s office would prefer hugs over blunt force trauma.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ok ok here’s my pr0f3ss0rly advice:

1. if u wanna fight, fight in the parking lot where the cameras cant see.

2. if u wanna bean ur catcher, use wiffle balls so he can’t sue u.

3. anything can be solved with 40 pushups and headbutting a vending machine

*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***

WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

JIM THOME

WORDUPTHOME: I THINK THIS IS A BAD IDEA

LETTING FARNY MEDIATE IS LIKE ASKING A LIGHTER FLUID TO PUT OUT A FIRE

WE NEED CALM

WE NEED LOVE

WE NEED… LESS WRESTLING MOVES

rob_manfred.exe: agreed.

but our budget did not allow for a licensed therapist.

farnsworth was free and already lurking in the hallway.

RockyRoadPitch: NAH THIS GUY GETS ME

I YELL, THEN I TACKLE

CIRCLE OF LIFE

CatcherWithBruises: i just want to not be assaulted at work

WORDUPTHOME: I BELIEVE IN COMMUNICATION

NOT COMMUNICATION THROUGH PROJECTILES

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: better idea: we all take turns throwing chairs, call it catharsis

last man standing gets a save

FramberFlamethrow: my catcher still has bruise

he show me in clubhouse

i told him “toughen up, hermano”

but he cry a little

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: that’s good. tears are weakness leaving the body

WORDUPTHOME: THAT IS NOT HOW TEARS WORK

WORDUPTHOME: I BROUGHT A HUG

AND A BASEBALL SIGNED “FORGIVENESS”

LET’S PASS IT AROUND INSTEAD OF HBP

FramberFlamethrow: ok fine but if my catcher drops it i’m throwing at him again

CatcherWithBruises: help

rob_manfred.exe: session adjourned.

all participants will receive complimentary stress balls.

warning: do not throw them at each other.

or at vending machines.

*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***

MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: MLB’s new “Group Therapy” session ends with chairs thrown, hugs awkwardly refused, and Farnsworth trying to suplex a folding table.

Manfred calls it “a step in the right direction.”

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to offer “anger management” classes behind the bullpen with folding chairs ***

*** RockyRoadPitch has left to practice his “non-threatening stare” in the mirror ***

*** DeversCrush16 has left to admire a HR in peace ***

*** FramberFlamethrow has left to buy his catcher body armor ***

*** WORDUPTHOME has left to hand out hugs and sunflower seeds ***

*** rob_manfred.exe has left to schedule mandatory nap time league-wide ***