The Tigers’ playoff push all but unraveled on the field this week. A six-game homestand against Cleveland and Atlanta turned into a nightmare, as Detroit dropped every single contest—often in excruciating fashion. The bullpen coughed up late leads while the lineup stranded runners inning after inning. Meanwhile, the Guardians have been streaking in the opposite direction, ripping off ten straight wins to pull within one game of the Tigers. With just a week left in the season, the Tigers’ frustrations have boiled over, their hopes dwindling as each mistake feels magnified and every opportunity slips away.
*** Now chatting in #MotorCityMeltdown ***
SkipHinch: guys… deep breaths
it’s been a rough homestand, sure
but let’s keep perspective—six-game sweep, last week of the season…
ok, no, that’s bad, really bad, but let’s stay calm
WillVengeance47: calm??
CALM IS FOR TEAMS THAT DON’T GET SWEPT
i say we solve this the old-fashioned way:
i hit EVERY GUARDIAN with 95 mph in the ribs
send a message
SkipHinch: will… absolutely not
*** MortonSalt has entered the chat ***
MortonSalt: hey uh
does anyone know if AARP discounts cover massage therapy
asking for… well, me
also can we dim the lights? my hip just made a noise
*** GreeneMachine has entered the chat ***
/swings bat furiously at a locker
/misses
/screams in frustration
/swings again
/misses again, bat flies into ceiling tiles
GreeneMachine: WHY WON’T ANYTHING BREAK
JUST ONCE I WANNA CONNECT WITH SOMETHING
*** PawsForConcern has entered the chat ***
/Paws drapes self in black funeral veil
/Paws gestures to scoreboard with exaggerated sobs
/Paws silently plays “Taps” over empty lockers
*** KyleFineAgain has entered the chat ***
KyleFineAgain: guys bad news
just tripped over my shoelace in the shower
15-day IL
possibly career-threatening
SkipHinch: …how do you even—
KyleFineAgain: water pressure was aggressive
*** KrazyKahnle has entered the chat ***
KrazyKahnle: boys don’t worry
I’ve got shaving cream
for morale
for REVENGE
for artistry
/Paws glares at Kahnle, slowly wipes shaving cream off fur
/Riley whiffs trying to swing at Kahnle
i missed again
SkipHinch: guys, deep breaths
this isn’t how contenders handle adversity
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: LISTEN TIGERS, THIS ISN’T THE END
YOU FOUGHT HARD, YOU SHOWED HEART
YOU—
/pauses
WORDUPTHOME: —BUT ALSO MY GUARDIANS HAVE WON TEN STRAIGHT
AND HONESTLY I AM BEAMING WITH PRIDE
FOR MY OLD CLUB AND MY BEAUTIFUL CLEVELAND
THEY ARE THE HEARTBEAT OF OHIO, A SYMBOL OF HOPE, A SHINING LIGHT—
SkipHinch: jim… you’re supposed to be comforting US
WORDUPTHOME: OH RIGHT YES
YOU’RE ALL STILL VALUABLE
EVEN IF MY GUARDIANS ARE ABOUT TO BE DIVISION CHAMPS
AND YOUR SEASON IS A FLAMING BUS
/Paws throws popcorn at Thome
/tries to hit Thome with a bat, misses by a foot
/pies himself in the face in confusion
SkipHinch: let’s regroup tomorrow
WillVengeance47: TOMORROW I’M DRILLING THE BAT BOY JUST TO SET THE TONE
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: Tigers swept in six-game homestand.
Guardians win 10th straight.
Detroit clubhouse described as “equal parts AARP seminar, Gallagher show, and clown car.”
*** GreeneMachine has left after missing a swing at the exit door ***
*** MortonSalt has left to apply for social security ***
*** KyleFineAgain has left on crutches after sneezing ***
*** KrazyKahnle has left to sculpt Paws into a shaving cream statue ***
*** WillVengeance47 has left to soak baseballs in vinegar ***
*** PawsForConcern has left to mime a Viking funeral ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to write “CLEVELAND ROCKS” in all caps ***
*** SkipHinch has left to google “how to manage chaos politely” ***