Tarik Skubal hasn’t even unpacked his postseason grief and the rest of the league is already circling like trade-deadline vultures. With one year of team control left before free agency, executives are salivating over the chance to pry him loose from Detroit, firing off speculative offers before the Tigers have even emptied their lockers. And while every big-market contender is tripping over itself to assemble a “mystery package,” Scott Harris is holding a press conference written entirely in philosophical fog — neither committing to extending Skubal nor closing the door on moving him, just hovering in that perfect GM purgatory of “we’re keeping all options open,” also known as: we have absolutely no idea yet.

*** Now chatting in #PleaseStopTradingMe ***

SkubalRising: guys

i just lost a 15 inning playoff game like four hours ago

can i at least breathe once before trade machines start Photoshopping me

DodgerBlueCrew: hear me out:

Dodger prospects package #28194

plus “optional future generational children” rights

YanksWarRoom: could see him in pinstripes

we’ll give you a used reliever, three broken top-30s, and “the aura”

your move detroit

OriolesDepthHoard: we have 617 infielders

take six? SEVEN?

/annoyingly pretends to juggle

naw fr would trade a shortstop just to prove i can

MarinersManifest: what if you joined the team that eliminated you

consider it post-traumatic employment

SkubalRising: I’M STILL IN UNIFORM

MY CLEATS ARE STILL WET

PLEASE STOP SHOPPING MY FUTURE LIKE A CY YOUNG YARD SALE

*** ScottyDoesntKnow has entered the chat ***

ScottyDoesntKnow: hi gang, scott harris here

i would like to clarify the organizational stance:

we are very committed to… keeping the door open

to all paths

and all timelines

and possibly alternate dimensions

SkubalRising: that means nothing

that is literally the sound of all outcomes and none outcomes

DodgerBlueCrew: so you’re trading him?

ScottyDoesntKnow: we are not committed to trading him

nor are we not committed to not pursuing a trade

we are in a phase of measured agnostic fluidity

YanksWarRoom: so that’s a yes?

ScottyDoesntKnow: that’s a “we acknowledge the question exists in reality”

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: everyone back off

the man hasn’t even rinsed the dirt off from inning 15 of emotional distress

let him grieve before you start auctioning his organs

DodgerBlueCrew: not auction

“long-term roster reallocation”

ScottyDoesntKnow: we are open to creative dialogue across emotional spectrums

SkubalRising: bro just say “i don’t know yet”

ScottyDoesntKnow: ah. yes. that.

*** rob_manfred.exe has entered the chat ***

rob_manfred.exe: trade speculation drives engagement metrics 🙂

postseason sorrow = offseason excitement pipeline

the wheel must spin 🙂

SkubalRising: i would like the wheel to spin slower

*** WORDUPTHOME has entered the chat ***

WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

JIM THOME

IN MY DAY YOU DIDN’T GET TRADED UNTIL THE TEAM TRIED TO HIDE YOU UNDER A TARP

AND EVEN THEN THEY SENT YOU TO PHILADELPHIA

HANG TIGHT SPORT

OLD JIMBO BELIEVES DETROIT WILL DO RIGHT (EVENTUALLY)

DodgerBlueCrew: define “eventually”

ScottyDoesntKnow: somewhere between “not now” and “oh look he signed with someone else”

/screams into decorative throw pillow

*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***

MLB_NewsBot: RUMOR: 13+ teams monitoring Skubal availability

Tigers reportedly “keeping all options alive”

Translation: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SkubalRising: i’m buying noise-cancelling headphones and never logging on again

*** ScottyDoesntKnow has left to issue a 37-word quote that answers nothing ***

*** DodgerBlueCrew has left to check the luxury tax couch cushions ***

*** MarinersManifest has left to photoshop Skubal next to the Space Needle ***

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to tackle the next GM who makes eye contact ***

*** WORDUPTHOME has left to knit “HANDS OFF MY ACE” on a scarf ***

*** SkubalRising has left to hide under the bullpen bench ***