It’s Christmas Eve in the Dugout, the chatroom door creaks open, and in stomps Jim Thome—not as a Hall of Fame slugger, but as Santa Claus himself, beard askew, sacks full of broken bats, and a hearty “HO HO HOOOOOO!” echoing off the chat window. Tonight, Big Jim has checked his list twice, ignored Statcast once, and decided he alone knows what every MLB team really wants for Christmas—whether it’s pitching, health, a shortstop who can hit, or simply mercy from the injury gods. Armed with a sack full of unrealistic expectations and Midwestern sincerity, Santa Thome is here to deliver gifts, truth bombs, and a few 450-foot emotional home runs—because nothing says holiday cheer like a franchise getting exactly what it asked for… even if it didn’t realize it yet.

*** Now chatting in #DugoutChristmas ***

*** sleigh bells jingle awkwardly ***

WORDUPTHOME: HO HO HO

HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

JIM THOME

OR TONIGHT… OLD ST. JIMBO

WORDUPTHOME: I’VE CHECKED MY LIST

TWICE

AND I’VE GOT SOME GIFTS FOR THE GOOD BOYS OF BASEBALL

AND ALSO THE DODGERS

*** BooneDoggled has entered the chat ***

BooneDoggled: dear santa jim

we would like bullpen depth

and also fewer injuries

and maybe a left-handed bat

and—

WORDUPTHOME: HO HO HOLD ON SPORT

YOU’RE GETTING…

ONE (1) MID-30s RELIEVER

COMING OFF A “STRONG SEPTEMBER”

USE IT WISELY

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: I WANT BEANBALLS BACK

I WANT RAGE

I WANT UMPS TO FEAR ME AGAIN

WORDUPTHOME: EASY THERE KRAMPUS

YOU’RE GETTING A NICE PAIR OF THROWBACK CLEATS

AND A DVD CALLED “BREATHING THROUGH ADVERSITY”

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: …i’ll watch it but i won’t like it

*** DodgerBlueCrew has entered the chat ***

DodgerBlueCrew: dear st jimbo

we want continued dominance

more generational talent

and for people to stop complaining about payroll

WORDUPTHOME: WELL SPORT

I BROUGHT YOU

ANOTHER MVP-CALIBER PLAYER

AND A VERY LARGE SACK LABELED

“JUST IGNORE THE NOISE”

*** MisiImpossible has entered the chat ***

MisiImpossible: can we just get… a chance?

WORDUPTHOME: SON

SOMETIMES THE GREATEST GIFT IS

CHARACTER

AND A STRONG FARM SYSTEM

YOU’RE GETTING HOPE

HANDLE IT GENTLY

*** MetTheParents has entered the chat ***

MetTheParents: we want consistency

WORDUPTHOME: HA

NO

BUT I DID BRING YOU A FUN PRESS CONFERENCE

AND A 7-YEAR DEAL YOU’LL ARGUE ABOUT ALL WINTER

*** JuniorMintCondition has entered the chat ***

JuniorMintCondition: dear santa

we would like a roof

a stadium

or at least certainty

WORDUPTHOME: OOF

THAT ONE’S STILL IN TRANSIT

FOR NOW

YOU’RE GETTING INGENUITY

AND A SPREADSHEET THAT MIRACULOUSLY WORKS AGAIN

*** Colt45Keith has entered the chat ***

Colt45Keith: we want to keep our ace

WORDUPTHOME: NOW NOW

THAT’S A BIG ASK

BUT I BROUGHT YOU

BELIEF

AND A GM WHO SAYS “WE’LL SEE” VERY CALMLY

*** rob_manfred.exe has entered the chat ***

rob_manfred.exe: happy holidays everyone 🙂

santa jim i only want one thing 🙂

WORDUPTHOME: OH BOY

HERE IT COMES

rob_manfred.exe: i want people to actually care about the world baseball classic this time 🙂

WORDUPTHOME: ROB

THAT’S A BIG ASK

rob_manfred.exe: we added cool uniforms 🙂

and star players 🙂

WORDUPTHOME: ALRIGHT

I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO

WORDUPTHOME: ROB

YOU’RE GETTING

ONE (1) ELECTRIC MARCH GAME

A VIRAL BAT FLIP

AND EXACTLY THREE DAYS WHERE BASEBALL TWITTER IS ALL IN

rob_manfred.exe: 🙂

i’ll take it 🙂

WORDUPTHOME: REMEMBER FELLAS

BASEBALL IS ABOUT JOY

FAMILY

AND BELIEVING THAT NEXT YEAR COULD BE YOUR YEAR

EVEN IF IT PROBABLY ISN’T

WORDUPTHOME: MERRY CHRISTMAS

FROM OLD JIMBO

*** WORDUPTHOME has left to drink milk, eat cookies, and pull the ball ***

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to angrily assemble a toy bat ***

*** rob_manfred.exe has left to monetize snow ***