When news broke that Philip Rivers was attempting an NFL comeback at age 44, it sent a familiar shockwave through the world of retired athletes everywhere — especially those who still wake up with sore knees and unfinished business. If a quarterback can dust off the shoulder pads after 4 years away, then surely the question must be asked: what about baseball? As the offseason stretches on and the nights grow long, Jim Thome and Kyle Farnsworth begin to wonder — quietly at first, then not so quietly — whether there’s anything left in the tank for one more improbable return, or if the aches, rust, and common sense might finally be undefeated.
*** Now chatting in #MidlifeCrisisSports ***
NFL_NewsBot: BREAKING: Philip Rivers, age 44, announces comeback to the NFL.
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS
PHILIP RIVERS IS BACK
FORTY-FOUR YEARS OLD
QUARTERBACKING IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD
MAKES OLD JIMBO WONDER IF JIMJAM HAS ONE MORE AT-BAT LEFT
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: absolutely not
i wake up wrong and my shoulder files a grievance
but also…
i could still throw 95 once
maybe twice
and then die
WORDUPTHOME: SPORT
RIVERS HAS NINE KIDS
IF HE CAN HANDLE A HUDDLE
I CAN HANDLE A FASTBALL
*** OldManRivers has entered the chat ***
OldManRivers: DAG GUMMIT FELLAS
I THOUGHT I MISSED IT
I THOUGHT I MISSED THE HITS
THE COMPETITION
THE SOUND OF A DEFENSIVE END BREATHIN’ ON MY SOUL
OldManRivers: TURNS OUT I MISSED THE IDEA OF FOOTBALL
NOT THE ACTUAL GETTIN’ HIT PART
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yeah that checks out
nostalgia lies
WORDUPTHOME: PHILIP
BE HONEST
YOU REGRET IT YET
OldManRivers: I REGRETTED IT DURING STRETCHING
MY HAMSTRING MADE A SOUND I’VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE
LIKE A ZIPPER FULL OF GRAVEL
*** VerlanderlayIndustries has entered the chat ***
VerlanderlayIndustries: reminder to all returning legends
ibuprofen is not a performance enhancer
it is a lifestyle
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: jim don’t do it
you don’t need to face 98 with run
you don’t need twitter clips slowed down
you don’t need kids asking “who is this guy”
WORDUPTHOME: COUNTERPOINT
WALK-UP MUSIC
STANDING OVATION
OLD JIMBO ONE LAST DINGER
OldManRivers: THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO
TILL A LINEBACKER CALLED ME “SIR”
RIGHT BEFORE HE HIT ME
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yeah that’s when you retire again
WORDUPTHOME: MAYBE
MAYBE IT’S NOT ABOUT COMING BACK
MAYBE IT’S ABOUT KNOWING YOU COULD
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no it’s about ice baths and memories
OldManRivers: fellas
if you still love the game
love it from the couch
TRUST ME
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: RUMOR: Jim Thome seen holding a bat thoughtfully in his garage.
Kyle Farnsworth seen yelling at a mirror.
WORDUPTHOME: I’M JUST SAYIN’
OLD JIMBO’S KNEES ARE LISTENING
AND THEY SAID “MAYBE”
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: they said “MAYBE DON’T”
*** OldManRivers has left to ice everything ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to angrily stretch ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to google “batting cages near me” ***