After a bleak season in Philadelphia, Max Kepler’s name finally showed up in headlines for something other than weak contact and long jogs back to the dugout. The Phillies outfielder, coming off a year in which his bat seemed permanently stuck in airplane mode, was handed a PED suspension that raised more eyebrows than answers. If the drugs were supposed to help, fans wondered aloud, what exactly went wrong? As the league launched its formal investigation, the Dugout’s own relentless truth-seeker, LadyCop, entered the scene—armed with subpoenas, side-eye, and a growing suspicion that this was less a story about performance enhancement and more about one of the strangest, most ineffective scandals baseball has seen in years.
*** Now chatting in #SuspensionWatch ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: Max Kepler suspended 80 games for violating MLB’s performance-enhancing drug policy.
PhilliePhan420: …for WHAT performance
PhilliePhan420: this man hit .216
if anything he owes the drugs an apology
*** KeplerOutlaw has entered the chat ***
KeplerOutlaw: ok first of all
rude
second of all
/strikes out feebly
*** LadyCop has entered the chat ***
LadyCop: everyone relax
i’m here to investigate a reported steroid crime
so far all i’m seeing is a .691 OPS
which is not a felony
it’s just… sad
KeplerOutlaw: THANK YOU
finally someone with common sense
LadyCop: don’t thank me yet
i still need to know why you were taking something banned
when it clearly wasn’t working
PhilliePhan420: officer
can we charge the trainer for fraud
LadyCop: that’s on the table
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: HOLD UP
steroids are supposed to make you HIT THE BALL HARDER
this guy couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat
what was he enhancing, his ability to ground out softly
KeplerOutlaw: says the guy who tried to fight a dugout phone
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: THE PHONE STARTED IT
LadyCop: both of you, focus
max, explain the substance
KeplerOutlaw: look
i was told it would help with recovery
strength
bat speed
LadyCop: and did it
KeplerOutlaw: …
i did recover emotionally after strikeouts
LadyCop: i’m writing that down as “placebo at best”
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
I’VE SEEN A LOT IN THIS GAME
BUT IF YOU’RE GONNA CHEAT
YOU OUGHTA AT LEAST ACCIDENTALLY HIT .260
OLD JIMBO CALLS THIS “THE MOST INEFFICIENT SCANDAL IN HISTORY”
LadyCop: thank you, sir
finally someone who understands return on investment
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: CONTEXT: Kepler hit .216 last season with Philadelphia.
League sources now investigating the supplier for false advertising.
LadyCop: case update
crime: technically committed
benefit: nonexistent
embarrassment: maximum
KeplerOutlaw: so what’s the verdict
LadyCop: suspended
mocked
and forever referenced whenever someone asks
“but did the steroids even help?”
*** KeplerOutlaw has left to read the banned substance list more carefully ***
*** PhilliePhan420 has left to boo gently ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to challenge a supplement bottle to a fight ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to coin “INEFFICIENT SCANDAL” as a poem title ***
*** LadyCop has left to file this under “dumbest case this week” ***