The Tigers finally did the thing everyone kept insisting they wouldn’t: they opened the checkbook and went shopping on the top shelf of the pitching aisle. Detroit landed hard-throwing lefty Framber Valdez, a move that instantly electrified a fanbase desperate for proof that “patience” wasn’t just a euphemism for inaction. But inside the clubhouse, the reaction was a little more complicated. Catchers Dillon Dingler and Jake Rogers, who had been anxiously waiting for clarity on Tarik Skubal’s future, now found themselves staring at a new concern entirely—namely, a pitcher famous not just for his stuff, but for once crossing up his own catcher in a moment of pure chaos. The Tigers got their ace. The catchers quietly wondered if they’d also need extra padding.
*** Now chatting in #DetroitOffseason ***
DingleAllTheWay: guys
i’ve refreshed twitter 400 times
still no skubal news
my thumb is sore and my trust is broken
JakeRogerThat: same
every notification i think “extension”
instead it’s just another mock trade from a guy named mlb_dude_773
*** ScottyDoesntKnow has entered the chat ***
ScottyDoesntKnow: good afternoon
we have completed a significant transaction
DingleAllTheWay: EXTENSION??
ScottyDoesntKnow: not exactly
but please welcome our newest tiger
left-handed ace
significant financial commitment
framber valdez
please clap
*** FramberFlamethrow has entered the chat ***
FramberFlamethrow: hello detroit
i throw hard
sometimes i throw where catcher is not expecting
DingleAllTheWay:
…sometimes?
JakeRogerThat: ok quick question
hypothetically
if a pitcher crosses up his own catcher
on purpose
how fast should the catcher duck
FramberFlamethrow: depends
how much you value collarbone
DingleAllTheWay: I KNEW IT
I SAW THE CLIP
HE HIT HIS OWN CATCHER
THAT’S NOT A MOUND VISIT THAT’S FRIENDLY FIRE
FramberFlamethrow: friendly is strong word
*** SkipHinch has entered the chat ***
SkipHinch: alright everybody relax
framber’s a competitor
elite stuff
ground balls for days
also we’ve invested heavily in chest protectors
JakeRogerThat: what about face protectors
SkipHinch: we’re looking into medieval options
*** SkubalRising has entered the chat ***
SkubalRising: so you spend money
just not on me yet
ScottyDoesntKnow: tarik we value you tremendously
this does not preclude future conversations
this merely exists alongside them
in the same emotional space
SkubalRising: that sentence made my elbow hurt
FramberFlamethrow: i excited to pitch with you brother
lefties together strong
SkubalRising: cool
just promise you won’t throw at my catcher
FramberFlamethrow: no promises
only velocity
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hold up
a lefty who throws 97 and doesn’t always know where
that’s not a pitcher that’s a lifestyle choice
I LOVE HIM
DingleAllTheWay: YOU’RE NOT CATCHING HIM
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: details
*** WORDUPTHOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
I LIKE THIS MOVE
LEFTY ACE, BIG MOMENT ENERGY
BUT CATCHERS
SAY A PRAYER
OLD JIMBO HAS SEEN FASTBALLS TURN FRIENDS INTO SUGGESTIONS
DingleAllTheWay: i’m updating my will
JakeRogerThat: same
leaving my gear to the next brave soul
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: Tigers sign Framber Valdez to a major deal.
Detroit rotation now features multiple left-handers and elevated catcher anxiety.
*** FramberFlamethrow has left to miss a target in the bullpen ***
*** DingleAllTheWay has left to add extra padding everywhere ***
*** JakeRogerThat has left to practice evasive maneuvers ***
*** SkubalRising has left to think about leverage ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to punch air approvingly ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to bless the rotation and the ribcages ***
