After flirting with history for all the wrong reasons in 2025, the Rockies arrive at spring training trying to sell something rarer than altitude-adjusted optimism: credibility. Fresh off the second-worst record in modern MLB history, Colorado has turned to Paul DePodesta—yes, that Paul DePodesta of Moneyball fame and Cleveland Browns shame—to bring data-driven hope to a franchise that has spent seven straight seasons in the wilderness. Alongside him stands newly de-interim manager Warren Schaeffer, promoted to the full-time gig and tasked with convincing a clubhouse, and a fanbase, that this isn’t just another “wait ‘til next year” in the thin air. The losing streak is real. The skepticism is thicker than the Coors Field outfield grass. But for the first time in a while, the Rockies are at least pretending there’s a plan.

*** Now chatting in #RockiesPreseason ***

GoodManBadIntentions: welcome to scottsdale

please ignore last season

and the one before that

and the seven before that

*** PodestaProcess has entered the chat ***

PodestaProcess: hello everyone

just to clarify

i was NOT jonah hill’s character

that was a cinematic exaggeration

i have never worn that much beige

GoodManBadIntentions: so what’s the plan

we doing math now

or vibes

PodestaProcess: ideally both

we’re introducing data-informed optimism

and possibly bullpen depth

*** WarrenPeace has entered the chat ***

WarrenPeace: good morning gentlemen

i am no longer “interim”

i have achieved full manager status

which means my stress is now permanent

GoodManBadIntentions: congratulations

do you get a parking spot now

WarrenPeace: no but i get blamed in high definition

*** KrisBryantStillHere has entered the chat ***

KrisBryantStillHere: is this the year

i would like this to be the year

PodestaProcess: statistically speaking

regression suggests improvement

also we physically cannot lose more games than last year

probably

*** BrentonDoyleCan has entered the chat ***

BrentonDoyleCan: defense still elite

offense… working on it

*** TovarTheTop has entered the chat ***

TovarTheTop: if we just score more than the other team

mathematically we win

PodestaProcess: finally someone speaking my language

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hold up

you lost HOW many games

second worst in modern history and you’re talking about regression curves

regression to what, a gentle disaster

PodestaProcess: negative variance is temporary

altitude is eternal

*** rob_manfred.exe has entered the chat ***

rob_manfred.exe: colorado remains a scenic franchise 🙂

losing streaks build character 🙂

also the humidor is technically working 🙂

WarrenPeace: i would like to break the streak of seven straight losing seasons

ideally before my hair leaves entirely

GoodManBadIntentions: so what’s different this time

PodestaProcess: new processes

clearer communication

fewer 9-run innings allowed

KrisBryantStillHere: that last one feels important

*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***

WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

JIM THOME

I LOVE SPRING TRAINING

EVERYONE’S UNDEFEATED

EVERY SWING FEELS LIKE A TURNAROUND

EVEN IN DENVER, SPORT

OLD JIMBO BELIEVES IN A LITTLE THIN AIR MIRACLE

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: jim they lost almost one hundred and twenty games

WORDUPTHOME: AND YET HERE THEY STAND

HOPE IS A POWER HITTER

*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***

MLB_NewsBot: 2025 Rockies: second-worst record in modern MLB history

2026 Outlook: new GM, promoted manager, cautious optimism

projection models range from “mild improvement” to “please stop”

*** PodestaProcess has left to build a spreadsheet titled “WHY NOT US?” ***

*** WarrenPeace has left to rehearse lineup cards in a mirror ***

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to yell at a mountain ***

*** WORDUPTHOME has left to shout encouragement into the thin air ***