Just when it felt like the Tigers couldn’t possibly absorb another blow, the news somehow got worse. Already navigating a growing list of injuries that includes Parker Meadows, Justin Verlander, Javier Báez, and Casey Mize, Detroit now finds itself without its ace, as Tarik Skubal heads to the injured list for surgery to remove what are ominously being described as “loose bodies” in his elbow. The phrase alone is enough to make a clubhouse uneasy, and the timing only adds to the surreal nature of it all—this isn’t some April Fools’ prank, it’s early May, and the Tigers are suddenly left wondering not just how to replace Skubal, but how many healthy arms they have left at all.
*** Now chatting in #MotorCityMedicalWard ***
GreeneMachine: alright
this is a joke right
please tell me this is a joke
MLB_NewsBot: UPDATE: Tarik Skubal placed on IL
Procedure required to remove “loose bodies” from elbow
GreeneMachine: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
WHAT BODIES
HOW MANY BODIES
DingleAllTheWay: i don’t even want to ask
i just want one healthy pitcher
just one
*** Paws has entered the chat ***
/tilts head in concern
/checks elbow
/slowly backs away
GreeneMachine: first Parker collides with me
then JV gets hurt (or old)
Javy somehow trips on first base
NOW SKUBAL??
DingleAllTheWay: is it April 1
please tell me this is April 1
/points to May the 4th on giant calendar
DingleAllTheWay: worse
so much worse
*** SkipHinch has entered the chat ***
SkipHinch: alright guys
let’s stay positive
next man up mentality
GreeneMachine: skip
respectfully
what “next man”
SkipHinch: we have options
we can be creative
DingleAllTheWay: creative how
like… bullpen game
or “fan from section 214” game
/raises paw confidently
/points to mound
SkipHinch: see
that’s the spirit
GreeneMachine: we are not starting the mascot
we cannot start the mascot
/already warming up
/throws 97 mph imaginary fastball
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU
INJURIES THERE ARE
BUT HOPE REMAINS
TRUST THE FORCE
AND MAYBE A RELIEF PITCHER OR TWO
DingleAllTheWay: jedi master thome
can the force pitch five innings
WORDUPTHOME: DEPENDS
HOW STRONG YOUR BULLPEN IS
AND RIGHT NOW
I SENSE… DISTURBANCE
SkipHinch: we adapt
we overcome
we find innings somewhere
GreeneMachine: from WHERE
the concession stand???
/puts on pitching glove
/nods with determination
DingleAllTheWay: i’m starting to believe in paws
SkipHinch: that’s what I like to hear
MLB_NewsBot: ADDITIONAL NOTE:
“loose bodies” remain poorly defined but universally unsettling
GreeneMachine: i don’t like that phrase
i never want to hear that phrase again
WORDUPTHOME: A GAME OF DEPTH BASEBALL IS
AND RIGHT NOW
VERY DEEP YOU ARE DIGGING
*** Paws has left to ice his elbow preemptively ***
*** SkipHinch has left to draw up a rotation that includes vibes ***
*** DingleAllTheWay has left to google “can catchers pitch” ***
*** GreeneMachine has left to question anatomy ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to meditate on the injured list ***