*** Now chatting in #BettingOnDisaster ***
GuardedUp99: hey guys
just wanted to say I’ve NEVER placed a bet
unless you count betting my career on throwing a cutter in the zone
OrtizHappens: bro you hit the on-deck circle
and not with a bat
you hit it with the actual first pitch
MLB_NewsBot: ALERT: Guardians relievers Emmanuel Clase and Luis Ortiz suspended amid investigation into suspicious betting patterns
Payouts triggered on “first pitch ball” and “pitch lands in a different county”
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():focal(999x0:1001x2)/Rob-Manfred-MLB-retiring-021624-tout-848e2eb735ad468e8995aea65093bd69.jpg "rob_manfred.exe")
rob_manfred.exe: Please understand
This is NOT about integrity
It is about the APPEARANCE of integrity
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to approve seventeen more sportsbook partnerships
*** SliderMascotMode has entered the chat ***
/Slider blinks slowly while holding up a sign that says “What even is a parlay??”
/Slider accidentally drops hot dog on phone
GuardedUp99: it was a cutter that CUT TOO MUCH
like off the field
like through a Chick-fil-A sign
OrtizHappens: mine slipped
and by “slipped” I mean “traveled through time and hit the team bus from last Tuesday”
Draft_Kingly_Announcer: Today's Guardians game is brought to you by DraftKings!
Use promo code "WHOOPS" for a $10 parlay on whether the next pitch lands on Earth
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: I DON’T GAMBLE
UNLESS YOU COUNT SMILING AT AN UMP
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY DON’T SMILE BACK
BUT I’M PRAYING FOR Y’ALL
AND ALSO PITCHING COACHES EVERYWHERE
*** CharlieHustled4Real has entered the chat ***
CharlieHustled4Real: WELL WELL WELL
looks like SOME people can bet on baseball and just get “suspended pending investigation”
meanwhile I’ve been banned longer than Betamax
OrtizHappens: pete you bet on your own team
i bet on me missing the strike zone
WHICH I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYWAY
CharlieHustled4Real: that’s what I said, kid
also, fun fact — my exile is old enough to rent a car now
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i thought the bet was “hit the mascot”
close miss, ortiz
u owe Slider a new foam head
/Slider lifts up his scorched mascot head
/Slider pulls out a prop bet slip with “OVER/UNDER: Mascot Casualties”
MLB_NewsBot: UPDATE: Investigation ongoing. MLB reportedly consulting with data scientists, former FBI agents, and several very angry fans who lost fantasy points
GuardedUp99: they asked me why the pitch hit the bullpen gate
i said “to symbolize our season”
WORDUPTHOME: THAT’S POETRY
BUT MLB ONLY ACCEPTS METRICS
NOT METAPHORS
rob_manfred.exe: Reminder: Gambling is only legal when it enriches our partners and not the people physically throwing the baseball
We are deeply committed to that double standard
CharlieHustled4Real: I’m just sayin'
if I’d just missed the plate by 40 feet instead of betting the over, I’d have a statue by now
*** CharlieHustled4Real has left to yell at a statue of himself in Vegas ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to bet on whether Ortiz can find the mound on a GPS ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to hand out anti-gambling pamphlets shaped like baseballs ***
*** SliderMascotMode has left after tripping over three subpoenas ***
*** GuardedUp99 and OrtizHappens have left to meet with MLB investigators and “just talk about feelings and spin rate” ***