The Tigers and Orioles offered little excitement at Comerica Park until an uninvited outfielder took matters into his own paws. A loose squirrel roamed the grass, accepted sunflower seeds from Orioles third base coach Buck Britton and briefly leaped directly into Leody Taveras’ glove before escaping the entire grounds crew once again. The animal was eventually captured beneath a towel and removed to loud protests from the crowd, prompting Paws to join the resistance with a “FREE THE SQUIRREL” sign. For Jason Benetti, meanwhile, it was the kind of chaotic, highly narratable event he had been preparing for his entire broadcasting career.
*** Now chatting in #ComericaNationalPark ***
BenettiAndTheJets: we have movement in left-center field
and for the first time tonight
it appears intentional
*** GreeneMachine has entered the chat ***
GreeneMachine: is that a squirrel
BenettiAndTheJets: it is a squirrel
confident stride
excellent range
already covering more ground than the Tigers' offense
*** DingleAllTheWay has entered the chat ***
DingleAllTheWay: what's the score
BenettiAndTheJets: irrelevant now
the squirrel has taken over the broadcast
*** WhoAreTheBrittons has entered the chat ***
WhoAreTheBrittons: hey little guy
/tosses several sunflower seeds toward the squirrel
BenettiAndTheJets: buck britton extending an international gesture of friendship
and snacks
mostly snacks
GreeneMachine: is that allowed
DingleAllTheWay: he isn't on the active roster
BenettiAndTheJets: he also has not yet been optioned
*** SkipHinch has entered the chat ***
SkipHinch: nobody feed the squirrel
WhoAreTheBrittons: too late
SkipHinch: why would you feed it
WhoAreTheBrittons: he looked hungry
BenettiAndTheJets: scouting report says aggressive around seeds
questionable plate discipline
elite burst
*** OutfieldNut has entered the chat ***
OutfieldNut: chitter chitter
GreeneMachine: did the squirrel just enter the chat
BenettiAndTheJets: that is the kind of access you only get with this broadcast team
OutfieldNut: chitter
DingleAllTheWay: what does he want
BenettiAndTheJets: judging from the game so far
a trade
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: Through six innings, the squirrel has recorded more successful trips across the outfield than the Tigers have recorded clean innings.
SkipHinch: delete that
MLB_NewsBot: Statistical comparison deleted at the request of Tigers management.
Emotional truth remains.
*** GroundsForConcern has entered the chat ***
GroundsForConcern: seventh inning stretch
we're removing him
BenettiAndTheJets: the entire grounds crew has now surrounded the squirrel
eight men
several towels
no coherent defensive alignment
DingleAllTheWay: looks familiar
SkipHinch: dillon
*** LeodyInTheSky has entered the chat ***
LeodyInTheSky: i got him
*** OutfieldNut jumps directly into LeodyInTheSky's glove ***
BenettiAndTheJets: HE'S IN THE GLOVE
LEODY TAVERAS HAS MADE THE CATCH
NO REVIEW NECESSARY
THE SQUIRREL HAS VOLUNTARILY ENTERED THE GLOVE
GreeneMachine: that's the cleanest catch anybody's made tonight
LeodyInTheSky: what do i do now
SkipHinch: close the glove
LeodyInTheSky: right
*** OutfieldNut immediately escapes ***
BenettiAndTheJets: AND HE'S OUT
THE GLOVE WAS MERELY A CONNECTING FLIGHT
HE HAS TOUCHED DOWN AND CONTINUES TOWARD CENTER FIELD
LeodyInTheSky: i thought we had a moment
OutfieldNut: chitter
BenettiAndTheJets: he did not
GroundsForConcern: everybody spread out
BenettiAndTheJets: the crew is shifting
two men near the warning track
three converging from right field
one gentleman appears to be guarding second base for reasons known only to him
DingleAllTheWay: fundamentals
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: give me five seconds
i'll tackle it
SkipHinch: you are not tackling a squirrel
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then why did you call me
SkipHinch: nobody called you
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i sensed cowardice
BenettiAndTheJets: the squirrel has changed direction again
tremendous lateral quickness
kyle farnsworth is now being restrained in an entirely different location
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: let nature decide
*** WORDUPTHOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
AND SOMETIMES THE NUT RUNS AROUND THE OUTFIELD
GreeneMachine: who says that
WORDUPTHOME: OLD JIMBO DOES NOW
GroundsForConcern: towel ready
BenettiAndTheJets: here comes the final approach
the towel is down
the squirrel is cornered
and—
*** OutfieldNut disappears beneath the towel ***
BenettiAndTheJets: THEY HAVE HIM
THE GROUNDS CREW HAS COMPLETED THE TOWEL TRAP
A TEXTBOOK MANEUVER THAT THEY ALMOST CERTAINLY INVENTED TEN SECONDS AGO
*** The Comerica Park crowd boos loudly ***
GreeneMachine: they're booing
DingleAllTheWay: first strong reaction all night
SkipHinch: they're booing the grounds crew more than us
GreeneMachine: give it another inning
*** Ump_Lou has entered the chat ***
Ump_Lou: ladies and gentlemen
let's have a nice round of applause for our grounds crew
for safely removing the squirrel from the field
*** The crowd boos thunderously ***
BenettiAndTheJets: OH, NO
THE UMPIRE HAS REQUESTED APPLAUSE
AND COMERICA PARK HAS COUNTERED WITH A RESOUNDING NO
Ump_Lou: ...
BenettiAndTheJets: the people have rejected the premise
the grounds crew sought public recognition
they have instead been identified as agents of squirrel oppression
*** PawsForConcern has entered the chat ***
/raises a sign reading “FREE THE SQUIRREL”
*** The crowd erupts ***
BenettiAndTheJets: PAWS HAS TAKEN A POSITION
THIS HAS BECOME A CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT
/shakes the sign above his head
BenettiAndTheJets: the mascot is openly challenging stadium authority
we may be witnessing the beginning of an uprising
SkipHinch: paws
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: The squirrel has been safely removed from the playing field.
Comerica Park attendance is now demanding his immediate reinstatement.
The Tigers and Orioles have resumed playing baseball despite limited public interest.
BenettiAndTheJets: and now we return to the game
regrettably
GreeneMachine: you have to call the actual action
BenettiAndTheJets: a ground ball to second
routine throw to first
no tail
no sunflower seeds
no sense of danger
baseball can feel so empty
/lowers the “FREE THE SQUIRREL” sign
/replaces it with a “START HIM TOMORROW” sign
SkipHinch: honestly
depends which side he hits from
GreeneMachine: of course it does
*** BenettiAndTheJets has left to narrate the squirrel’s escape from the parking garage ***
*** OutfieldNut has left to seek a multi-year deal with guaranteed acorns ***
*** LeodyInTheSky has left to inspect his glove for tenants ***
*** PawsForConcern has left to organize a rally outside the service tunnel ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to challenge local wildlife to single combat ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to remind everyone that freedom isn't free, but sunflower seeds are pretty cheap ***