Justin Verlander had already announced his retirement and spent most of the season injured, but that wasn’t going to stop him from imagining a more cinematic ending. His first proposal was to recreate For Love of the Game, complete with a career-ending perfect game, until his Tigers teammates pointed out several inconvenient differences between Kevin Costner’s character and reality. Verlander quickly pivoted to Major League, insisting he should play veteran catcher Jake Taylor rather than the aging pitcher who much more closely resembled him. The casting only grew more awkward once everyone noticed that the film’s story about a cash-conscious owner might have one parallel the Tigers were especially reluctant to discuss.
*** Now chatting in #TigersMovieNight ***
VerlanderlayIndustries: gentlemen
i have figured out how my career ends
*** GreeneMachine has entered the chat ***
GreeneMachine: you already announced your retirement
VerlanderlayIndustries: yes
but not cinematically
we're recreating "For Love of the Game"
*** DingleAllTheWay has entered the chat ***
DingleAllTheWay: the one where kevin costner plays an old tigers pitcher
VerlanderlayIndustries: experienced
DingleAllTheWay: who throws a perfect game
and then retires
VerlanderlayIndustries: exactly
*** SkubalRising has entered the chat ***
SkubalRising: you've been injured all season
VerlanderlayIndustries: dramatic obstacle
GreeneMachine: you already announced your retirement
VerlanderlayIndustries: foreshadowing
DingleAllTheWay: and you've never thrown a perfect game
VerlanderlayIndustries: third act
*** Colt45Keith has entered the chat ***
Colt45Keith: so you want to come off the injured list
throw a perfect game at age forty-something
and announce the retirement you already announced
VerlanderlayIndustries: finally
someone understands prestige cinema
*** SkipHinch has entered the chat ***
SkipHinch: absolutely not
VerlanderlayIndustries: you haven't even heard my casting choices
SkipHinch: i heard "come off the injured list"
that's enough
VerlanderlayIndustries: fine
new movie
"Major League"
GreeneMachine: that actually makes more sense
SkubalRising: scrappy rust belt team
DingleAllTheWay: young talent
Colt45Keith: veteran players
GreeneMachine: ownership that—
/abruptly stops typing
SkubalRising: ownership that what
GreeneMachine: ownership that is
present
SkipHinch: good recovery
VerlanderlayIndustries: exactly
i'll play jake taylor
DingleAllTheWay: no
VerlanderlayIndustries: why not
DingleAllTheWay: because he's a catcher
VerlanderlayIndustries: he's also the veteran leader
DingleAllTheWay: still a catcher
SkubalRising: you're eddie harris
VerlanderlayIndustries: the old pitcher?
SkubalRising: veteran pitcher
VerlanderlayIndustries: the old veteran pitcher?
SkubalRising: seasoned
GreeneMachine: cost-efficient
VerlanderlayIndustries: what does that mean
GreeneMachine: nothing
just a phrase i hear around here a lot
*** TorkAndRoll has entered the chat ***
TorkAndRoll: who am i
SkipHinch: pedro cerrano
TorkAndRoll: because i hit the ball hard
Colt45Keith: yes
TorkAndRoll: and strike out a ton
Colt45Keith: i was trying not to say that
*** ParksAndMeadows has entered the chat ***
ParksAndMeadows: can i be willie mays hayes
GreeneMachine: sure
ParksAndMeadows: because i'm fast
SkipHinch: and inexpensive
/furiously hits backspace
inexperienced
ParksAndMeadows: those are different words
SkipHinch: not in every organizational meeting
VerlanderlayIndustries: who plays roger dorn
*** everyone looks at Spencer ***
TorkAndRoll: i'm already cerrano
DingleAllTheWay: you can play both
TorkAndRoll: is the production budget that low
*** everyone becomes very quiet ***
GreeneMachine: no
SkubalRising: definitely not
Colt45Keith: ownership is deeply committed to
uh
appropriate cinematic resource allocation
SkipHinch: excellent phrase
DingleAllTheWay: sounds like something scott harris would say
*** ScottyDoesntKnow has entered the chat ***
ScottyDoesntKnow: we remain open-minded regarding the intersection of storytelling and sustainable payroll flexibility
TorkAndRoll: does that mean yes or no
ScottyDoesntKnow: it means we acknowledge the existence of film
VerlanderlayIndustries: perfect
who plays rachel phelps
*** long silence ***
GreeneMachine: nobody
VerlanderlayIndustries: the cheap owner trying to lose so she can move the team
SkipHinch: nobody
DingleAllTheWay: definitely nobody
SkubalRising: there is no obvious real-life parallel
Colt45Keith: none
ParksAndMeadows: not even a little
TorkAndRoll: what about—
SkipHinch: no
TorkAndRoll: i didn't say anything
SkipHinch: keep it that way
VerlanderlayIndustries: come on
every movie needs a villain
GreeneMachine: maybe the villain is inflation
DingleAllTheWay: or regional sports network uncertainty
SkubalRising: or prudent long-term financial planning
Colt45Keith: or the luxury tax threshold
TorkAndRoll: we aren't near the luxury tax threshold
*** everyone becomes even quieter ***
GreeneMachine: metaphorically
*** WORDUPTHOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: I THINK OWNERSHIP IS A LOT LIKE A GOOD FIRST BASEMAN
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO STRETCH
AND SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SPEND
I MEAN BEND
OLD JIMBO MEANT BEND
SkipHinch: thank you, jim
WORDUPTHOME: I HAVE BEEN ADVISED TO CLARIFY THAT I LOVE ALL OWNERS EQUALLY
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: just say Chris Ilitch is cheap
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has been muted by SkipHinch ***
SkipHinch: anyway
dingler is jake taylor
DingleAllTheWay: correct
SkipHinch: skubal is ricky vaughn
SkubalRising: i have excellent control
SkipHinch: then act
parker is hayes
ParksAndMeadows: good
SkipHinch: spencer is cerrano
TorkAndRoll: expected
SkipHinch: justin is eddie harris
VerlanderlayIndustries: no
SkipHinch: veteran pitcher
VerlanderlayIndustries: no
SkipHinch: diminished fastball
VerlanderlayIndustries: absolutely not
SkipHinch: surviving on experience and deception
VerlanderlayIndustries: i am jake taylor
DingleAllTheWay: you cannot catch
VerlanderlayIndustries: i caught kate upton
DingleAllTheWay: extremely different skill set
ScottyDoesntKnow: before casting proceeds, ownership has requested a revised budget
GreeneMachine: how revised
ScottyDoesntKnow: the film will now be shot entirely in the clubhouse
TorkAndRoll: what about the baseball scenes
ScottyDoesntKnow: archival footage
ParksAndMeadows: uniforms
ScottyDoesntKnow: wear your own
DingleAllTheWay: extras
ScottyDoesntKnow: injured list
SkubalRising: cameras
ScottyDoesntKnow: players may use their phones
VerlanderlayIndustries: this movie needs production value
ScottyDoesntKnow: ownership believes hunger creates innovation
GreeneMachine: is that a metaphor
ScottyDoesntKnow: lunch will not be provided
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: The Detroit Tigers have suspended production of their remake of "Major League."
Sources cite casting conflicts, an unclear villain and a production budget consisting of two iPhones and leftover promotional towels.
Team officials strongly deny that any aspect of the film resembles current ownership.
Team officials then declined to finance a denial.
VerlanderlayIndustries: fine
we'll do "For Love of the Game"
SkubalRising: with what budget
VerlanderlayIndustries: i only need one baseball
ScottyDoesntKnow: can you provide your own
*** VerlanderlayIndustries has left to search for a lightly used perfect game ***
*** DingleAllTheWay has left to renegotiate his role for one additional meal voucher ***
*** SkubalRising has left to pitch on three days' rest for artistic reasons ***
*** TorkAndRoll has left to ask Jobu for payroll flexibility ***
*** ScottyDoesntKnow has left the door open without paying to heat the room ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to say it much louder somewhere else ***