Spring training is supposed to be a time of optimism, fresh starts, and carefully worded phrases like “best shape of my life.” For the Braves, however, last season’s disappointment still lingers like a bad bullpen outing. Atlanta staggered to a fourth-place finish, hampered in part by the 80-game suspension of offseason pickup Jurickson Profar, who insisted the positive PED test was a misunderstanding and vowed he’d return clean. And for a brief moment in camp, it seemed like maybe—just maybe—the Braves were ready to turn the page. Unfortunately, baseball has a cruel sense of timing, and it didn’t take long before the clubhouse learned that Profar’s “clean slate” might require an even larger eraser.
*** Now chatting in #BravesPreseason ***
TheWeissIsRight: alright fellas new season new vibes
last year was rough
but we bounce back
*** AcunaMatata has entered the chat ***
AcunaMatata: i vote we bounce back by scoring 9 runs a game
seems efficient
*** OlsonOnTap has entered the chat ***
OlsonOnTap: i support this plan
also would like more baseballs pitched toward my bat
*** TriedSoHardAndGotProfar has entered the chat ***
TriedSoHardAndGotProfar: hey guys good news
i am fully clean now
new year new profar
OlsonOnTap: didn’t we say that last year
TriedSoHardAndGotProfar: this time i mean it
*** StartedFromTheBaldwin has entered the chat ***
StartedFromTheBaldwin: well that’s reassuring
nothing suspicious about announcing that immediately
*** TriedSoHardAndGotProfar has posted a selfie of himself lifting a truck ***
AcunaMatata: ok now i’m suspicious again
*** LadyCop has entered the chat ***
LadyCop: evening gentlemen
TheWeissIsRight: oh no
AcunaMatata: oh DEFINITELY no
LadyCop: jurickson profar
mind explaining this?
*** LadyCop uploads a folder titled “EXTREMELY OBVIOUS EVIDENCE” ***
TriedSoHardAndGotProfar: that could be anything
LadyCop: lab report
supplement receipts
a protein shake that literally glows
OlsonOnTap: that seems bad
StartedFromTheBaldwin: i feel like glowing protein shakes are a red flag
TriedSoHardAndGotProfar: it’s uh… vitamin enthusiasm
LadyCop: jurickson profar
you tested positive again
*** Entire Braves clubhouse goes silent ***
TheWeissIsRight: please tell me this is the 80-game one again
LadyCop: no
162 games
AcunaMatata: THE WHOLE SEASON???
LadyCop: congratulations
you are now extremely rested for 2027
StartedFromTheBaldwin: bro we didn’t even finish spring training yet
TriedSoHardAndGotProfar: this is a misunderstanding
LadyCop: the misunderstanding was the glowing shake
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
SPORT I ALWAYS SAY BASEBALL IS A GAME OF HONEST POWER
NOT SCIENCE EXPERIMENT POWER
OLD JIMBO CALLS THAT A SWING AND A MISS
AcunaMatata: can we suspend the protein shake instead
LadyCop: already confiscated
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: BREAKING: Jurickson Profar receives 162-game suspension for PED violation.
Braves clubhouse reportedly “very tired of this storyline.”
TheWeissIsRight: alright
new plan
we simply pretend this never happened
AcunaMatata: bold strategy
*** LadyCop has left to investigate the next baseball crime ***
*** TriedSoHardAndGotProfar has left to Google “how long is 162 days really” ***
*** OlsonOnTap has left to hit baseballs productively ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left humming “PLAY CLEAN, SWING MEAN” ***