The desert is warming up, the bats are cracking, and somewhere in the distance a bullpen catcher is already drenched in sweat and existential dread. Yes, it’s spring training for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and optimism is in full bloom—along with at least three minor hamstring strains. The front office made a pair of bold offseason additions: one is 39-year-old switch-hitting sage Carlos Santana, brought in to provide veteran leadership, professional at-bats, and occasional dad-strength home runs. The other is a 128-ounce bucket of nachos at Chase Field, brought in to provide…well, mostly cheese. Together, they represent two different approaches to sustaining a ballclub over a long season: experience, and melted dairy product in industrial quantities.

*** Now chatting in #DbacksSpringTraining ***

KetelCorn: alright fellas, new season

fresh start

what’d we add this offseason

BurnesNotice: i heard we got a big bat

*** BlackMagicHitter has entered the chat ***

BlackMagicHitter: hello gentlemen

i am 39 years young

i bring patience, wisdom, and knees that make sounds

KetelCorn: ok that’s solid

anything else?

*** NachoAverageProspect has entered the chat ***

NachoAverageProspect: hello

i am 128 ounces

i contain cheese, beef, jalapeños, and destiny

BurnesNotice: …what

NachoAverageProspect: i am the new centerpiece of the concession strategy

scouts describe me as “overflowing with tools”

*** LovulloStorey has entered the chat ***

LovulloStorey: look, we wanted to make a splash

ownership said “be creative”

this is what we got

KetelCorn: skip we signed a NACHO

LovulloStorey: it’s a bucket

there’s a difference

also it feeds 6–8 people or one reliever after a bad outing

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: finally

a player i can respect

heavy. messy. dangerous

put it in the cleanup spot

BlackMagicHitter: i would like to point out i have 300+ career home runs

NachoAverageProspect: i have 300+ grams of saturated fat

BlackMagicHitter: fair

*** EugeNoYouDidnt has entered the chat ***

EugeNoYouDidnt: so you replace me with… dairy

KetelCorn: not just dairy

PREMIUM dairy

BurnesNotice: can the nachos run the bases

asking for lineup flexibility

NachoAverageProspect: i do not run

i am stationary dominance

*** rob_manfred.exe has entered the chat ***

rob_manfred.exe: concession-based roster building is an exciting frontier 🙂

fan engagement + sodium = retention 🙂

BurnesNotice: rob this isn’t sabermetrics this is lunch

*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***

WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI

JIM THOME

BACK IN MY DAY YOU EARNED YOUR SPOT IN THE LINEUP

NOW YOU CAN JUST BE SERVED IN A HELMET

I LOVE IT

OLD JIMBO CALLS THAT “CHEESY POWER”

KetelCorn: jim please don’t say cheesy power again

WORDUPTHOME: CHEESY. POWER.

*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***

MLB_NewsBot: REPORT: Diamondbacks add Carlos Santana (39) and introduce 128-ounce nacho bucket at Chase Field.

Analysts describe offseason as “nutritionally aggressive.”

*** BlackMagicHitter has left to stretch for 45 minutes ***

*** NachoAverageProspect has left to be consumed by section 134 ***

*** LovulloStorey has left to defend this in a press conference ***

*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to fight a concession stand ***

*** WORDUPTHOME has left to order extra jalapeños, JIMJAM style ***