Spring training optimism is alive and well in Kansas City, where the Royals have arrived in camp with something they haven’t had in years: expectations. Thanks to a surprisingly bullish projection from PECOTA, the Royals are being tabbed as contenders in a tightly packed AL Central, a development that has players cautiously excited and fans equal parts hopeful and suspicious. Of course, in the Dugout universe, PECOTA isn’t just a projection system—it’s a fully sentient, overconfident presence ready to remind everyone that it saw this coming all along… whether anyone believes it or not.
*** Now chatting in #SpringTrainingRoyals ***
WittHappens: alright fellas
baseball prospectus got us winning the central this year
like… actually winning it
PerezidentialPower: i like this prediction
i also like winning
these two things go together nicely
Pasquatchino: last time we were projected to win something i think it was “most improved vibes”
*** PECOTA has entered the chat ***
PECOTA: ATTENTION! HUMANS!
I HAVE RUN THE NUMBERS!
I HAVE SIMULATED THE SEASON 10,000 TIMES!
AND IN MANY OF THEM… YOU DO NOT EMBARRASS YOURSELVES!
WittHappens: wow
ringing endorsement
PECOTA: YOUR OFFENSE PROJECTS AS “SNEAKILY COMPETENT!”
YOUR ROTATION IS “MILDLY MENACING!”
YOUR BULLPEN IS “STATISTICALLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN BEFORE!”
PerezidentialPower: i’ll take “less terrifying”
*** ImagineRagans has entered the chat ***
ImagineRagans: what are my projections
PECOTA: STRIKEOUTS: MANY!
ERA: PLEASING!
CONFIDENCE: SURPRISINGLY HIGH FOR A SMALL-MARKET ENTITY!
ImagineRagans: i have never been described as an entity before
*** StarlingNight has entered the chat ***
StarlingNight: what about me
PECOTA: YOU ARE…
…VOLATILE!
StarlingNight: yeah that tracks
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: projections are fake
numbers don’t win games
rage wins games
PECOTA: INCORRECT!
RAGE HAS A NEGATIVE WAR!
I HAVE THE DATA!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: your data hasn’t been punched yet
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
I LIKE WHAT I’M HEARING
YOUNG TALENT, GOOD ENERGY
AND A COMPUTER THAT BELIEVES IN YOU
THAT’S A POWERFUL TRIFECTA, SPORT
OLD JIMBO SAYS KEEP SWINGIN’
*** QuattersNeverWin has entered the chat ***
QuattersNeverWin: we’re just focused on fundamentals
taking it one day at a time
ignoring the robot yelling at us
PECOTA: I AM NOT “YELLING”
I AM PROJECTING WITH ENTHUSIASM!
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: PECOTA projects Royals to win AL Central.
Team reportedly “cautiously optimistic,” while one algorithm is “extremely loud.”
WittHappens: alright boys
let’s go win something
PECOTA: YES!
FULFILL THE SPREADSHEET DESTINY!
*** PECOTA has left to simulate parade routes ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to argue with a calculator ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to bless the projections ***
*** WittHappens has left to cautiously believe ***