Don Kelly was once one of baseball's gentlest creatures: a smiling super-utility player who seemed genuinely grateful every time he was allowed onto a major league field. During his playing days with the Tigers, he spent years under the famously combustible Jim Leyland, a manager who could turn a routine pitching change into a Marlboro-fueled philosophical crisis. Nobody imagined Kelly was taking notes. But now, as manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates—the same franchise where Leyland began his own managerial journey—something appears to have awakened. Maybe it's the payroll. Maybe it's the bullpen. Maybe it's the unique psychological strain of trying to compete while everyone else spends twice as much money. Whatever the cause, the former aw-shucks fan favorite now finds himself barking at umpires, muttering at lineup cards, and experiencing an increasingly powerful urge to pace the dugout while chain-smoking imaginary cigarettes.
*** Now chatting in #SteelCityStressTest ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hold on
Don Kelly is yelling at umpires now?
OUR Don Kelly?
MLB_NewsBot: Don Kelly ejected after disagreement with umpiring crew.
Witnesses report elevated levels of Pittsburgh-induced frustration.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: that's beautiful
that's growth
*** DonnieKellyBaby has entered the chat ***
DonnieKellyBaby: it is NOT growth
i got thrown out in the third inning
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: exactly
you're finally living
DonnieKellyBaby: kyle
i spent fifteen minutes arguing whether a pitch was six inches outside
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: and?
DonnieKellyBaby: ...it was probably outside
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: THAT'S THE SPIRIT
*** ShirtsNSkenes has entered the chat ***
ShirtsNSkenes: Don Kelly the player was like a golden retriever
happiest man alive
played seven positions
never complained
ShirtsNSkenes: Don Kelly the manager is threatening to fight a water cooler
DonnieKellyBaby: I'M FINE
WaterCooler: *** flinches ***
*** old Tigers highlights begin playing ***
DonnieKellyBaby: look at that guy
utility player
smiling
living his dream
DonnieKellyBaby: that man had no idea what was coming
*** faint coughing from a cloud of cigarette smoke ***
*** TheSkipper has entered the chat ***
TheSkipper: kid
happens to everybody
DonnieKellyBaby: skipper?
TheSkipper: first you're managing
then you're arguing balls and strikes
then you're muttering at lineups
next thing you know
you're trying to smoke twelve Marlboros during a pitching change
DonnieKellyBaby: I've never felt more understood
CruzMissile: he's becoming leyland
TheSkipper: becoming?
look at him
Ump_Lou: that's strike three
DonnieKellyBaby: HORSE FEATHERS
DonnieKellyBaby: COMPLETE MALARKEY
Ump_Lou: okay now you're just using old-timey profanity
DonnieKellyBaby: DANG-BLASTED TOMFOOLERY
Ump_Lou: honestly that's impressive
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: I PLAYED WITH DON KELLY
HE WAS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE
I EVER MET
WORDUPTHOME: HE APOLOGIZED
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE STEPPED ON HIS FOOT
THIS IS SHOCKING
DonnieKellyBaby: JIM
WE SPEND HALF AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE
MY LEFT FIELDER IS ALSO MY BACKUP FIRST BASEMAN
MY BACKUP FIRST BASEMAN IS ALSO MY EMERGENCY CATCHER
AND THE BULLPEN PHONE JUST STARTED MAKING BIRD NOISES
WORDUPTHOME: OH
THAT'LL DO IT
*** bullpen immediately walks three straight hitters ***
DonnieKellyBaby: SON OF A BISCUIT
WHAT IN THE SAM HILL ARE WE DOING
DonnieKellyBaby: i used to be happy
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: happiness is a luxury item in Pittsburgh
DonnieKellyBaby: yesterday i got mad at a foul pole
a foul pole
TheSkipper: good instincts
DonnieKellyBaby: IT DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING
TheSkipper: that's how it starts
*** DonnieKellyBaby lights an imaginary cigarette ***
ShirtsNSkenes: don
you don't smoke
DonnieKellyBaby: I KNOW
BUT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD
IT JUST FEELS RIGHT
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: Don Kelly continues fiery managerial tenure in Pittsburgh
Formerly mild-mannered utility player now observed yelling "HORSE FEATHERS" at umpires
Sources report increasing desire to pace dugout and consume imaginary Marlboros
Experts cite prolonged exposure to Pirates payroll
WORDUPTHOME: SOME MEN ARE BORN MANAGERS
SOME MEN BECOME MANAGERS
AND SOME MEN
MANAGE THE PIRATES
DonnieKellyBaby: ...yeah
that's probably it
*** TheSkipper has left a suspicious haze hanging over the dugout ***
*** DonnieKellyBaby has left to argue with a lineup card ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to remember happier, less combustible Don Kelly ***
