The Padres are reportedly on the verge of selling for a staggering $3.9 billion—a figure that has left executives, analysts, and anyone with a calculator doing a double take. The buyer is billionaire financier José Feliciano, not to be confused with the legendary “Feliz Navidad” singer of the same name. Naturally, the Dugout spirals into chaos: players question the valuation, comparisons get increasingly absurd, and even the other José Feliciano chimes in—pointing out that you don’t need sight to see that this price might be just a little steep.
*** Now chatting in #PadresForSale ***
OlneyFans: reporting live
Padres about to sell for 3.9 BILLION
sources calling the price “insane”
FathersFaithful: 3.9???
we charging luxury tax on vibes now??
that’s like
one Fernando Tatis contract and a lifetime supply of disappointment
*** BillionaireBuyer has entered the chat ***
BillionaireBuyer: hello
I am Jose Feliciano
pleased to finalize acquisition
FathersFaithful: wait
THE Jose Feliciano??
no way
the FELIZ NAVIDAD guy???
OlneyFans: I know he has the same name, but he's not—
*** ⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑ has entered the chat ***
⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑: ♪ feliz navidad ♪
hello my friends
I heard someone say my name
and also an outrageous price tag
OlneyFans: oh no
⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑: I may not see the field
but even I can see
this team is not worth 3.9 billion dollars
FathersFaithful: THANK YOU
BillionaireBuyer: I am not the singer
I manage capital funds
⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑: I manage holiday spirit
and even THAT has better returns
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: I BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS MAGIC
BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A 3.9 BILLION DOLLAR PRICE TAG
UNLESS IT COMES WITH FREE GARLIC FRIES FOR LIFE
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hold on
so you’re telling me
the padres just got bought by mexican christmas
OlneyFans: NO
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: because if that’s the case
i expect a mariachi band in the bullpen and snow machines in san diego
BillionaireBuyer: again
I am not associated with seasonal music
⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑: ♪ I wanna wish you a merry franchise valuation ♪
FathersFaithful: honestly
he might run the team better
at least ticket prices would come with a soundtrack
⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑: I will say this
if you pay 3.9 billion
you better win something
or I will write a new song
⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑: instead of "Light My Fire"
it will be "Light $3.9 Billion on Fire"
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: REPORT: Padres nearing $3.9 billion sale
Buyer confirmed as financier Jose Feliciano, not the musician
Musician Jose Feliciano publicly questions valuation anyway
WORDUPTHOME: BASEBALL IS A GAME OF VALUE
BUT THIS… THIS IS A STOCK MARKET FEVER DREAM
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i’m just saying
if i pay 3.9 billion
i better get a team AND a yacht AND control over the strike zone
BillionaireBuyer: I am reconsidering logging into this chat
*** ⠠⠚⠕⠎⠑ has left to record “Feliz Buyout” ***
*** BillionaireBuyer has left to check his investment portfolio nervously ***
*** OlneyFans has left to refresh sources every 3 seconds ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to calculate the cost per home run emotionally ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to invest in holiday-themed bullpen entrances ***