Somewhere between a baseball game, a pinball machine, and an active hallucination, the Athletics of (definitely not Sacramento) and Brewers spent Monday night trying to see who could hit more baseballs into the Nevada atmosphere. Playing in AAA Las Vegas Ballpark—a venue apparently designed by someone who thinks pitching is optional—the two teams combined for 11 home runs, 29 runs, 16 ABS challenges, and approximately zero regard for emotional stability. The homeless A’s got two bombs apiece from Tyler Soderstrom and Nick Kurtz, Milwaukee answered repeatedly, and Jim Thome spent much of the night deeply, spiritually convinced that Brewers first baseman Jake Bauers was actually 24 protagonist Jack Bauer. By the time Milwaukee escaped with a 15-14 win in 12 innings, everyone involved seemed mildly dehydrated and profoundly confused.
*** Now chatting in #DefinitelyNotSacramento ***
DallasBraden420: alright, i haven't been paying much attention
can someone explain to me
why the Athletics are playing baseball in a AAA park in Vegas
DallasBraden420: and also why every fly ball leaves orbit
MLB_NewsBot: FINAL: Brewers 15, Athletics 14 (12 innings)
Venue: Las Vegas Ballpark
Combined home runs: 11
Combined ABS challenges: approximately seventeen emotional breakdowns
ChristianNotCatholic: dry heat, baby
baseballs flying like rent prices
ProfessorMcGonigle: eleven home runs feels illegal
*** CaptainKurtz has entered the chat ***
CaptainKurtz: hit two
honestly felt like cheating
*** TylerSodastream has entered the chat ***
TylerSodastream: same
i sneezed and the ball went 410
DallasBraden420: cool cool cool
shame we still lost
*** abs_robot has entered the chat ***
abs_robot: CHALLENGE REQUESTED
DallasBraden420: AGAIN???
abs_robot: THIS IS MY SUPER BOWL
MLB_NewsBot: UPDATE: 16 ABS CHALLENGES INITIATED
Ump_Lou: i have not made one decision
in three hours
ChristianNotCatholic: this game got more reviews than a Marvel movie
*** JakeBauersCTU has entered the chat ***
JakeBauersCTU: hey guys
nice homer tonight
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: GREAT GAME TONIGHT JACK BAUER
WORDUPTHOME: RIGHT
JACK BAUER
JakeBauersCTU: no man
from the Brewers
WORDUPTHOME: THE GUY FROM 24
HUGE FAN
JakeBauersCTU: i play first base
WORDUPTHOME: DURING THE DAY
*** later in the game ***
MurphyLawBall: alright
we need speed
pinch runner for Bauers
WORDUPTHOME: OH NO
THIS MUST BE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY
THEY’VE EXTRACTED JACK BAUER
SITUATION HAS ESCALATED
JakeBauersCTU: man i just run slow
WORDUPTHOME: JACK
THERE IS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
IS THE PRESIDENT SAFE
JakeBauersCTU: WHAT PRESIDENT
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chat ***
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: jim
jack bauer is not in baseball
WORDUPTHOME: THEN EXPLAIN THE NAME
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: one hits home runs
one fights terrorists
WORDUPTHOME: SAME DIFFERENCE
*** abs_robot interrupts ***
abs_robot: CHALLENGE REQUESTED
DallasBraden420: we hit like a dozen nukes
scored fourteen runs
and STILL lost
ChristianNotCatholic: baseball
ProfessorMcGonigle: honestly this wasn’t baseball
this was a physics experiment
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: Brewers outlast Athletics 15-14 in 12 innings at Las Vegas Ballpark
11 combined home runs, including two each by Tyler Soderstrom and Nick Kurtz
16 ABS challenges recorded
Jim Thome remains unconvinced Jake Bauers is not federal agent Jack Bauer
WORDUPTHOME: I’M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN JAKE BAUERS
AND JACK BAUER
IN THE SAME ROOM
JakeBauersCTU: no
because one of them is fictional
WORDUPTHOME: THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A FEDERAL AGENT WOULD SAY
*** BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP ***
*** abs_robot has left to overturn one final call for fun ***
*** JakeBauersCTU has left to google “how to legally change name” ***
*** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has left to confiscate Jim’s television remote ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to binge-watch 24 by accident ***
