After years of being one of baseball’s smoothest stars, Manny Machado has discovered the universal athlete coping mechanism: if the numbers are bad enough, simply declare numbers irrelevant. With his stats sinking and fans already exhausted by what they see as his sour attitude, Machado finds himself grumbling about analytics, percentages, and “how the game used to be.” Unfortunately for him, there is only one true ambassador of carefree baseball nonsense named Manny—and when Manny Ramirez arrives to help, he brings an old friend, Jonathan Papelbon, and exactly zero useful advice beyond sunglasses, spy games, and emotional confusion.
*** Now chatting in #MannySupportGroup ***
PadresFaithful: alright man
PadresFaithful: if you’re near the bottom of every stat
maybe don’t start saying stats don’t matter
*** MachoMachoManny has entered the chat ***
MachoMachoManny: analytics ruined baseball
too many numbers
too many percentages
MachoMachoManny: back in my day
we just played
PadresFaithful: brother, you're 33
YOUR day is still happening
CastellanOops: respectfully
the numbers are saying
uh…
not great things
MachoMachoManny: numbers overrated
i trust vibes
PadresFaithful: your vibes are batting .214
*** awkward silence ***
MachoMachoManny: fans too sensitive anyway
PadresFaithful: see THIS
THIS ATTITUDE
this is why people get annoyed
*** faint chaotic energy approaches ***
*** MannyTheTorpedoes has entered the chat ***
MannyTheTorpedoes: hey manny
u sad?
MachoMachoManny: little bit
MannyTheTorpedoes: wanna play spies
*** silence ***
MachoMachoManny: what
MannyTheTorpedoes: spies
i got sunglasses
we hide behind dugout rail
listen to secrets
MachoMachoManny: i’m talking about baseball philosophy
MannyTheTorpedoes: baseball philosophy is boring
u ever climb green monster for no reason
MachoMachoManny: no???
MannyTheTorpedoes: exactly
thats why u stressed
*** KingOfPap has entered the chat ***
KingOfPap: wut do spies do
MannyTheTorpedoes: idk
KingOfPap: ok
im in
PadresFaithful: why is PAPELBON HERE
KingOfPap: reunion
i heard there was weird energy
MachoMachoManny: i just think baseball people care too much about numbers now
MannyTheTorpedoes: numbers fake
one time i disappeared into green monster for inning
everybody mad
but i had snack
KingOfPap: legendary
PadresFaithful: this is somehow making Machado look LESS carefree
MachoMachoManny: wait
so what do i do
MannyTheTorpedoes: stop being grumpy
if fans mad
confuse them
hide batting gloves
pretend u forgot what inning it is
KingOfPap: tackle mascot maybe
PadresFaithful: NO
KingOfPap: worth askin
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO PLAY BASEBALL
SOME PLAY WITH ANALYTICS
SOME PLAY WITH INSTINCT
AND SOME
APPARENTLY PLAY SPIES
MachoMachoManny: maybe i have been too negative
MannyTheTorpedoes: good
now put on sunglasses
MachoMachoManny: why
MannyTheTorpedoes: we watching bullpen
MachoMachoManny: for what
MannyTheTorpedoes: secrets
KingOfPap: wut secrets
MannyTheTorpedoes: idk yet
KingOfPap: sick
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: Manny Machado voices frustration with analytics amid difficult season
Manny Ramirez reportedly offers alternative coping strategy: “u wanna play spies”
Jonathan Papelbon immediately agrees despite unclear objectives
Padres fans described as “still unconvinced”
WORDUPTHOME: SOMETIMES
BASEBALL CHANGES
WORDUPTHOME: BUT MANNY…
MANNY NEVER REALLY CHANGES
*** MannyTheTorpedoes has left to conduct absolutely no espionage ***
*** KingOfPap has left to ask suspiciously loud questions during spy mission ***
*** MachoMachoManny has left wearing sunglasses indoors ***
*** WORDUPTHOME has left to appreciate old-school chaos ***