Jazz Chisholm has reached the point in his career where nobody really asks "why?" anymore. During a game in Detroit, he interrupted play to wage a brief one-man war against an innocent dirt camera that had the audacity to exist near second base, kicking it, stepping on it, and attempting to bury it under infield dirt. Then, as though that barely registered on the Weirdness Scale, he casually unwrapped a lollipop and played an entire defensive inning with it hanging out of his mouth. The Tigers broadcast could only sit back and narrate the dirt camera's traumatic experience, while everyone else collectively agreed: yep, that's just Jazz being Jazz.
*** Now chatting in #LiteralInField ***
DirtCam: hello everyone
i am today's dirt camera
my job is to provide cool infield angles
i hope to—
*** JazzHands has entered the chat ***
JazzHands: what the heck is that
*** THUNK ***
DirtCam: ow
*** KICK ***
DirtCam: OW
JazzHands: why are you in my basepath
DirtCam: because production put me here
JazzHands: unacceptable
/begins covering DirtCam with infield dirt
DirtCam: excuse me
i require sunlight
*** BenettiAndTheJets has entered the chat ***
BenettiAndTheJets: and somewhere beneath a thin layer of Michigan clay...
rests a camera whose only crime was occupational enthusiasm
DirksDiggler: poor little guy
he's just trying to get us a cool replay
BenettiAndTheJets: imagine reporting to work...
clocking in...
and the second baseman immediately attempts to bury you like forgotten pirate treasure
DirtCam: i have a family
JazzHands: stop staring at me
DirtCam: i literally have one lens
DirksDiggler: i like that Jazz's first instinct wasn't "what is this?"
it was "this needs to leave"
BenettiAndTheJets: conflict has found its newest participants
man versus technology
the oldest rivalry since the self-checkout machine
*** grounds crew gently uncovers DirtCam ***
DirtCam: thank you
i can see again
*** A few innings later... ***
JazzHands: anybody want anything
/quietly unwraps a lollipop
/crinkle crinkle
BenettiAndTheJets: ...
DirksDiggler: ...
BenettiAndTheJets: did...
did Jazz just produce a lollipop from his back pocket?
DirksDiggler: looks like cherry
BenettiAndTheJets: baseball is a sport of ritual
some players adjust batting gloves
some smooth the mound
and one man has apparently decided the middle innings are ideal for confectionery
*** camera cuts to Jazz standing at second ***
JazzHands: 🍭
DirksDiggler: he's really gonna play defense like that
BenettiAndTheJets: there stands the second baseman...
simultaneously prepared for a double play...
and a trip to the bank after the game
BooneDoggled: is...
is he eating candy
JazzHands: yeah
BooneDoggled: during the inning
JazzHands: helps me think
BooneDoggled: about baseball?
JazzHands: nah
just in general
DirksDiggler: honestly
that's kind of impressive
BenettiAndTheJets: there is a serene confidence...
in turning two while looking like you've wandered into the wrong Little League game
DirksDiggler: confidence or stupidity?
BenettiAndTheJets: the two are often connected
*** HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
*** JIM THOME has entered the chat ***
WORDUPTHOME: HEY GUYS THIS IS JI
JIM THOME
WORDUPTHOME: WHEN I PLAYED
WE CHEWED GUM
SUNFLOWER SEEDS
MAYBE SOME BUBBLE GUM
WORDUPTHOME: NEVER ONCE
DID I THINK
"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DOUBLE PLAY NEEDS"
"A LOLLIPOP"
JazzHands: keeps me relaxed
DirtCam: i would also like to be relaxed
instead i was assaulted
BenettiAndTheJets: today's box score will not capture everything
there is no statistic...
for "attempted burial of broadcast equipment"
nor one...
for "candies consumed per defensive inning"
DirksDiggler: not yet anyway
*** MLB_NewsBot has entered the chat ***
MLB_NewsBot: Jazz Chisholm spent part of today's game kicking and burying the infield dirt camera.
Later played an entire defensive inning with a lollipop in his mouth.
Dirt camera listed as day-to-day with hurt feelings.
DirtCam: i'd like a transfer
JazzHands: only if you stop watching me
*** DirtCam has left for a safer patch of infield ***
*** JazzHands has left to find another lollipop ***
*** BenettiAndTheJets has left to compose an essay entitled "Candy, Cameras, and the Human Condition" ***
*** DirksDiggler has left still laughing about the dirt camera ***